Under the Surface
by Goldberry
Summary: Buck thought he was alone underneath the waves and it was time someone did something about that.


_Notes: My first work in this fandom. I'm ignoring the lawsuit storyline because I hate it and I can. Please enjoy._

**UNDER THE SURFACE**

Eddie first noticed it on a Monday.

Looking back, he wasn't sure just what it was that had caught his eye. It had been an exhausting, miserable day of two heart attacks, one suspected gas leak, and a long string of fender benders. The crew was catching a quick meal at the firehouse, Eddie carrying a stack of plates to the table when he noticed Buck standing near the windows. He opened his mouth to ask him to grab the silverware but paused, the words dying in his throat.

Buck was standing very still, hands in his pockets, watching the rain patter against the window panes and then wash down the glass, turning the world outside into a blurry painting of gray and green. There was nothing out of the ordinary that Eddie could see - Buck was just standing there - but a feeling of such dread washed over him so that he set down the plates carefully, his hands trembling a little. Buck was hardly ever quiet _and _still, it was true, but they were all a little tired and, despite what his friend said, Buck was still recovering from his leg injury and what he had experienced during the tsunami. No one would blame him for taking a moment and Eddie didn't understand why it bothered him now except that watching him made something in his chest tighten. Eddie was trained to analyze a situation quickly and his instincts were screaming that Buck was in danger while his eyes were telling him there was absolutely nothing happening.

Nothing. Happening.

Eddie's jaw tightened.

Buck wasn't breathing.

He stood there, silhouetted against the windows, as still as stone, his chest neither rising nor falling, his eyes locked on the water running down the glass, his expression unreadable. Unreadable. When Buck's every emotion was usually scrawled across his face.

"Buck!"

It came out sharp, edged by Eddie's panic. The firehouse came to a halt and Buck startled, jerking sideways as if Eddie had physically pushed him, his head half turning to catch Eddie's gaze. Eddie wasn't sure what Buck saw there but it made him catch himself, animated again as he gave half a laugh, all his limbs loosening into his normal carefree strut as he approached the table.

"Sorry, Eddie, guess I was thinking. Did you want help?"

Eddie's heart was still racing so he was grateful when Chimney walked by, slapping Buck on the back. "Don't think so hard, Buckaroo, you're gonna hurt yourself."

"Ha ha, you're hilarious," Buck shot back with a grin.

Lunch continued as if nothing had happened. The table was set, food was passed around and there were jokes and stories and Buck ate and talked and there was nothing that Eddie could _see _but he knew it was there now, under the surface.

The image of Buck there, dark against the clouds outside, paralyzed by water stayed with him for the rest of the day and well into the evening. When Eddie finally went to bed that night he dreamed he was at the beach, standing in the sun and waving obliviously to Buck as his friend drowned fifty feet away, unnoticed.

* * *

After that Eddie kept one eye on Buck during their shifts, but even though he was looking now, there wasn't always anything to see. They did a car fire, a broken ankle and a motorcycle accident without so much as a flicker from Buck. He was there at Eddie's shoulder the whole day, the two of them working in tandem with the ease that came from knowing each other so well. Buck seemed happy - he smiled, he teased Hen, he jumped into every situation feet first without a thought no matter how many safety speeches he got from the captain. He just seemed… normal.

Then came the domestic on SE 3rd Street.

It hadn't been called in as such - merely an oil fire in the kitchen that had gotten out of control but was quickly extinguished, though not without damage. As soon as the flames were out the husband and wife, somewhere in their 40's, jumped back into an argument that had obviously started before the 118 had even arrived.

"If you had just been paying attention this wouldn't have happened, Carol," the husband pointed out angrily.

Carol, her hands on her hips, took offense to that. "Oh, of course, _everything _is my fault, isn't it, Kevin?"

"I was just watching the game and then suddenly the house is on fire so _yeah _, I think it's your fault."

"Well, maybe if you had been doing something besides sitting on your ass it wouldn't have been on fire!" Carol screeched.

"Well, maybe if _you _had-"

Eddie didn't hear the rest, leaving the room to carry equipment back to the truck. Athena was pulling up in her patrol car as he stepped outside and he nodded a her.

"How's it going in there?" she asked as she passed him.

"Fire's out but you may need to throw some cold water on the two inside. Sounds like they've been going at it for awhile." Athena sighed and Eddie hid a smile, focusing on getting their gear squared away. As he was heading back to the house, he heard a familiar shout from inside that made his blood run cold and his stomach drop. He broke into a run. _Buck._

The sight that greeted him in the living room made him stop in his tracks. Athena was directly in front of him, one arm half raised, palm out. She was speaking calmly and slowly.

"Buck, it's alright. He wasn't going to do anything. He's not going to hurt anyone."

Buck was only a few feet away from her but he was squared off with Kevin, one hand gripping Kevin's wrist, knuckles white, while his other hand kept the man at arm's length. There was something in Kevin's hand. Behind Buck, Carol watched the scene with surprise and worry. She did not look hurt but it took only a moment for Eddie to understand what he was seeing. The couple had been fighting and something had made Buck jump between the two, thinking Kevin was some sort of threat. Buck's body was taut with tension, so much so that he was shaking ever so slightly. The look on his face was not anger or surprise, it was almost… Eddie inhaled tightly. Buck looked almost panicked.

"Take a look at his hand, Buck," Athena urged, "See? Just a tv remote. Everything's alright."

"I was just watching the game," Kevin repeated weakly. He dropped the remote and Buck drew a deep breath. He released his hold on Kevin.

"I..I thought he..he was going to…"

Athena didn't make him finish. It was clear what Buck had thought was about to happen and no one was about to blame him for it, not after what he had gone through with Maddie. "Why don't you go with Eddie and make sure everything's ready to go," she said, briskly taking charge of the situation by taking Buck's arm and pulling him along in her wake. She passed him off to Eddie with a quick pat and a quiet, "You did good, Buckaroo."

Eddie put a hesitant hand on Buck's shoulder as they stepped into the sunlight outside. "You okay, man?' Buck looked a little off balance, as if he wasn't sure what had happened.

"I… Yeah, I just…" He swallowed. "I thought he was going to hurt her, I guess." He shrugged abruptly, a sharp movement, as if he were frustrated with himself. "Not the first time I've been wrong, right?" The half smile he wore was self-deprecating and Eddie immediately hated it.

"Better safe than sorry," Eddie replied, keeping his tone light and easy. "You did the right thing, Buck. If he'd had a weapon, the rest of us would have been too late to stop him." Buck still looked unsure and Eddie had had enough of that. He elbowed Buck in the side. Hard. "Come on, help me get the rest of this stuff loaded up."

Buck grumbled and rubbed his side but he followed, eventually making a crack about Eddie needing a big, strong man to help him before he broke a nail. Eddie masterfully managed not to roll his eyes but he did grin, feeling the last of the terrible tension from before disappearing into the afternoon's golden light.

* * *

"Has anyone noticed that Buck seems a little… "

"Agitated? Hyper-vigilant? Like he was hit by a truck and then a giant fifty foot wave?" Chimney supplied.

Hen looked unimpressed. "I was going to say 'quiet'."

Chimney nodded solemnly. "Oh, well, that too."

They were standing near the lockers at the end of their shift, Eddie eavesdropping on their conversation as he buttoned his shirt, getting ready to head out for the night. Luckily, Buck was still showering and was out of earshot.

"I just hate seeing him so… un-Buck like," Hen commented, packing her bag. "Feels like something's off."

"He's been through a lot this year. Poor kid."

"I guess all we can do is just be there for him," Hen said finally, but there was a note in her voice that said she wished there was something more they could do. Chimney agreed and the two moved away, still chatting. Eddie watched them go feeling a bit unsettled.

It was true that he had noticed Buck wasn't himself, but what had he done about it? It had been weeks since the tsunami and Christopher was still dealing with the odd nightmare but what about Buck? Had he even asked if Buck was also suffering? Because it was clear that he wasn't alright. Chimney was right, Buck had been through a lot and Eddie honestly felt terrible that any of them assumed Buck to be back full throttle after everything he'd gone through.

Maybe it was easier to think everything was fine when Buck was laughing, hanging out with the crew, eating the captain's food and standing shoulder to shoulder with Eddie on the line. Maybe then he didn't have to wonder if Buck wasn't sleeping because every time he closed his eyes he had nightmares about a rising tide and a rush of inescapable water.

And maybe Buck was a little too good at getting everyone to see the reckless playboy, but Eddie _knew _Buck and he had glimpsed underneath the surface. Buck thought he was alone underneath the waves and it was time someone did something about that.

Maybe it was time Eddie _reached _.

* * *

Eddie quietly lifted Christopher up onto Buck's bed and then stood back and watched the chaos.

It was very early on a Saturday morning, a fact that made Eddie feel a _teensy _bit bad about this, but not enough to put a stop to the amazing tickle attack Christopher had going. Buck was awake in seconds, bleary-eyed and adorably rumpled, but he got with the program pretty quickly in the face of Christopher's delighted squeals.

"This is totally cheating!" Buck exclaimed hoarsely, wriggling under the covers in an attempt to escape the tickles. "I wasn't even awake!"

Christopher's peals of laughter had Eddie covering his smile with one hand.

"Surprise attack!" his son crowed.

But Buck wasn't going down without a fight. "Surprise attack, huh? Take this!" He flung the covers back and over Christopher and set about getting revenge. High pitched shrieking ensured and Eddie shook his head at the two of them, his heart full and glowing.

"We brought breakfast," he announced to the air. "Come down when the battle is over."

Eddie was halfway through a breakfast sandwich and a cup of coffee before Buck finally admitted defeat and offered his new lord and master a piggyback ride down to the kitchen. Eddie watched the two of them - Christopher, grinning ear to ear, and Buck, at peace and fully present there with them. Eddie knew he'd cut a corner or two to get him there but he couldn't argue with the results. Christopher loved Buck and Buck loved Christopher, so much so that he was always his best self with him. If getting up a little early on a weekend gave Buck that smile it was worth it.

"So," Eddie said briskly, setting his coffee cup down. "I hope your day is free, bud."

Buck's confused face was honestly priceless. "Why?"

"We're kidnapping you!" Christopher said happily.

Buck's sly look erased about ten different worries. "Do I want to know where to?"

* * *

They spent the day at the zoo.

The weather was perfect and Christopher was having the time of his life, chattering excitedly with Buck about every exhibit. For his part, Buck was attentive and smiling and seemed to be having fun as well. They saw elephants, giraffes, flamingos, tigers and when Christopher started to get tired Buck lifted him to his shoulders, Christopher's small fingers curling into Buck's hair.

When Eddie thought both of them were sufficiently worn out he drove them home for some lunch. He put together sandwiches, smiling to himself as Buck and Christopher listed the animals they'd seen in order of "awesomeness".

"The lions were pretty cool," Buck put in.

"I liked the snakes the best," Christopher decided.

"That's because they let you touch one," Eddie chuckled.

They ate sprawled over the furniture in the living room. Buck was too exhausted to even make it to the couch, instead sitting on the floor with his back against it, leaning heavily against Eddie's leg who was sitting close behind him. Eventually, they settled in to watch a movie Christopher wanted and, as planned, both Christopher and Buck were asleep in under half an hour.

Eddie had been sure that Buck was suffering from nightmares, the same way Christopher was at times. Eddie was sure that Buck's were a bit different though - feelings of inadequacy, of failure - he knew those played on Buck's mind no matter how much reassurance Eddie gave him. His only idea had been to wear Buck down until he gave in to the exhaustion and actually got some sleep and now, Buck's head against his knee and his son's head in his lap, Eddie felt his own semblance of peace. His two boys were out like lights and it felt good that he could watch over them while they slept, buoyed by their trust.

Only Eddie watched the movie, one hand combing through Christopher's curls, the other resting gently against the curve of Buck's neck, his heart beating against Eddie' fingertips.

* * *

Buck stayed well into the evening, entertaining Eddie while he got a few chores done, and then offering to draw Christopher's bath while he got dinner ready. He was in the middle of putting together a salad when he realized he hadn't heard Buck in awhile, that he had never returned from the bathroom. Christopher was on the floor in the living room, playing with his legos. Eddie moved to the bathroom, heart in his throat as he gently pushed the door open. The water was running in the tub but the drain was open so the tub wasn't filling. Buck was sitting on the side of the tub watching the water run but it was clear he wasn't there. His blue eyes were wide but unseeing and he was breathing in short, panicked breaths.

Eddie immediately closed the door to keep Christopher out, turned off the water, and sat down on the lip of the tub next to Buck, his hands hovering, unsure if he should touch him.

"Buck," his said softly, and then, " _Evan _…"

His true name seemed to get through to him and he blinked once, slowly turning his head to meet Eddie's worried gaze. He was pale and his breathing was still much too rapid.

"Eddie." Buck's voice was hoarse and Eddie's name cracked in his mouth. In Buck's eyes, Eddie could see the rise of a tall and towering wave that rose ever higher, casting a man and a boy on a pier in shadow. Eddie's chest grew tight and he finally knew what to do with his hands. He cupped them around Buck's face, fingers in his hair, and pulled Buck forward until their foreheads were pressed together, Eddie holding that dark, fathomless gaze.

"Buck, I'm here," he said, "I'm right here with you."

"Eddie." The way Buck said his name pulled painfully on his heartstrings. "I… I'm always there, on that pier… or in the water." He shudders and Eddie presses closer, his grip on Buck tightening. "I was… afraid…" He admits it like it's some great sin for Evan Buckley to ever be afraid and Eddie wants to rage at whoever taught him it wasn't okay to be afraid or to show weakness. The fact that Buck _had _been afraid and had _still _put himself in extreme danger to protect Christopher was all Eddie needed to know.

"Buck, Buck, it's okay," Eddie whispered. He pulled back a little to press a hard kiss into Buck's hairline before resting their heads together again. "Everyone feels fear sometimes." He gave the other man a painful half smile. "I'm a little afraid right now but you're with me and I'm with you and I know you won't leave me."

Buck nodded against him unsteadily. "I won't leave you," he said and Eddie felt a wash of fierce pride. Buck was still there. Buck was with him.

"And I won't leave you," Eddie told him firmly. "Do you hear me, Evan? I'm not leaving."

It took a moment but finally Buck nodded again in his hands. Eddie smiled. "Just breathe with me. It's going to be alright. I'm here. We're together." _You're not alone._

Eddie took deep even breaths, watching Buck as he struggled to follow him. It took several long minutes but eventually Buck's breathing evened out and Eddie could feel him relax by inches. Eddie reluctantly released him, leaning back a little but clasping Buck's arm instead, unable to let him go completely.

"Sorry," Buck said shakily a few quiet minutes later. He looked embarrassed and Eddie squeezed his arm, shaking his head.

"Don't be. You went through something terrifying, Buck. You're allowed to not be okay."

Buck exhaled. "Sorry I ruined our evening."

"Stop apologizing," Eddie chided. "You didn't ruin anything. In fact, I think you should stay with us tonight." _Stay with me._

"I don't know, Eddie…" Buck looking unsure of himself was enough to make Eddie reach over and open the door.

"Hey Christopher, Buck is going to stay the night with us tonight, okay?" he called out while looking Buck dead in the eye. Christopher's excited _yaaaaaaay! _made Buck shake his head ruefully.

"You play dirty."

Eddie shrugged. "Whatever works."

They go to bed early that night, physically and emotionally exhausted. Eddie let Buck borrow some clothes to wear to bed and the sight of him in Eddie's shirt and sweatpants did funny things to his head. He ignored it though in favor of getting Christopher into his own pajamas and explaining to his son they were going to do a big sleepover in the master bedroom.

"Cuz Buck has nightmares?" his son asked. Eddie paused.

"I think so, bud."

"Maybe… I can help him, Dad," Christopher said solemnly. "I have them too, sometimes."

Eddie smoothed his son's wild curls. "I know, and you have been _awesome _at kicking some nightmare butt. I definitely think Buck could use your help."

"Ok!"

They piled into Eddie's bed, Christopher in the middle, his son immediately snuggling into Buck's side. Buck leaned his head against Christopher's with a heavy sigh, his eyes meeting Eddie's over the kid's head. His soft smile was everything Eddie didn't know he needed.

With a relieved smile of his own, he reached over and switched off the light.

**END.**


End file.
